Magnetic Pages Article | 1992-09-02 | 4KB | 45 lines
MPARTICLE
YLHGAHOMM's Guide to World#History (600,000,000 BC - 1994 AD)
"600 million BC - Life appeared on%Planet Earth. These were tiny little $squiggly things that were not really!much to look at (Unlike Melanie $Gordon,Eh Phil?) They were extremely"boring, never held good parties, %and were really a bit simple. Nothing!else happened really for another
200 million years.
%400 million BC - Fish first appeared.%This is of special interest to Jaz X,#as one of his hobbies is collecting
fish (In his underpants..Ed)"Unfortunately these fish would not#have been as co-operative as modern%day fishies, and were rather prone to#biting your knackers off if you put
them down your undies.
$200 million BC - Dinosaurs appeared.$These were as thick as pig-shit, and%were very fond of ripping shreads out$of everything. A modern day parallel"would be those bastards who cut my%fucking hair !! Most of the dinosaurs were big, brainless buggers, who thought they were hard. I do not#think there were any dinosaurs like%me who read poetry and talk a load of
shit all the time.
#175 million BC - The first mammals$appeared. This is a very good sign %because all mammals (well, all female!ones) have to be able to suckle %their young. So they all have BREASTS#! (of some form. Maybe just rows of%nipples. Its a start though, aint it)
4 million BC - A nice Ice age"occured. Woolly mammoths appeared.%These creatures are really my distant%relations. I wonder if mammoths liked#listening to Sepultura, Nirvana and
Megadeath ?
3 million BC - The first men!appeared. I expect that the first women followed soon after. These!women though were not really very
attractive.
Sure, I like women with long beautiful hair, but not all over!their body ! (somebody fetch me a
bucket, I'm going to spew)
$1 million BC - Matty Levan appeared.%I suppose he threw a really big party for all his friends on his first birthday, got drunk, and was too
paralytic to stop the Earths!population coming to his cave and taking all his stuff (Best axes,"flint tools, Hi-Fi, Martini Bianco
etc)
$20,000 BC - Civilised man appeared."Lots of people that had long hair !(Mainly on their head) and looked#like me ruled the world. At about #this time, Cliff Richard started to$release (s)hit records, and the ZX81
was invented.
!1 AD - A bloke called Christ was$born. He was a bit of a con artist, #and a bit of a magician. I doubt he#was any better than Paul Daniels. #He spouted a load of bull about how$we should all be pure and nice and "sweet. Frankly he seems a bit of a#dodgy character, but I agree with
some of the stuff he said.
Up to 1978 - Not much happened%really. Lots of painters painted rude#pictures, Preston North End won the#F.A. cup and in 1977 Jaz X was born"(on the 25th November, in case you
are wondering)
"17th January 1978 - I was born !!#Hallelujah etc. I didnt have much %hair then. My mum took lots of photos!of me with no clothes on. (send a
stamped adressed envelope to 35
Dinsdale drive, Eaglescliffe,!Cleveland, TS16 9HQ- while stocks
last!)
#2nd June 1978 - A bloody great day$!! Laura Bainbridge was born. I did !not know her at the time, but its$still a great day. Also that day a "tiny, weedy little boy called Phil#was born. He now has a big penis, #and is the editor of PVFC. (Quite a"coincidence indeed. A vast number !of people I know (well, two) were"born on that day. We could hold a $massive party then and get drunk and!laid and everything. This mag is !due for release the day before my!birthday, so I want presents off %everyone who reads this! (money would
be nice.) -P.V.F.C.)
%6th November 1992 - Laura Bainbridge"saved my life. Start of a really
great relationship.
%22nd July 1993 - Laura left my life.
This was really because I was
forced to leave hers. I was
heartbroken
$13th May 1994 - Laura re-entered my"life (as a friend). She spoke to "me for the first time in about ten
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